If Nick wanted to get away with something more believable, he should have at least tried something like this...

My name is Nick Hewitson and I have a record of 17,462 fights with 17,463 knockouts. And as you probably will have guessed I am a highlander, a title that I gained by training with Bruce Lee, Mr Miyagi and Yoda. I am the Intergalitical All Galaxy and Universe Champion where I defeated the previous undefeated Predator (Taking out his loss to Arnie and the draw with Alien) in a bout on planet Zog which is located beyond the Andromena Cluster, 3 lights year from the sun itself.

After travelling beyond this life and into the Matrix I also happened to KO Morpheus in a demo bout and that other bloke who wears long leather jackets. I also beat up bad on Teletext or Oracle or something like that.

On returning to earth I took on a Thai team that consisted of Sackmongol, Buakow, Orono, Anuwat, Davy, Kunpunnit, Taximeter, Fanta, Coca-Cola and 7up. Instead of actually fighting them individually I fought them all at once mashing them up bad-boy styleeee.

After my twins were born (Luke and Leia) I has a spell of bitterness and turned to the darkside where I defeated the evil emperor with my own bare hands, before disguising my own death and then reappearing for a while as Ken Barlow in Coronation Street where I gave Diedrie a good hiding in a previously arranged ‘wife beating’ bout in Aid of charity. I beat her so bad, it actually improved her looks.

I then travelled to Holland and took up the name Ramon Dekkers, but was only present inside his actually being during his victories, hence the odd loss, hear and there when I had things to do – mow the lawn, wash the car etc..etc..

Between being knighted and winning the lottery (for the fourth time in a row) I won the world cub-scout conker championships, defeating Billy Bunter aged 8. I also won a national Croquet title defeating Mrs Merton on points. Further accolades followed winning best tuna filled Vol-Au-Vent ever award, leaving Jamie, Delia and Rhodesy in a state of distress.

Next up was a game of rock, scissors, paper where Fonzy from Happy Days was taken to the cleaners in his own Diner. The Cluedo world title was next defeating Doctor Who in the quarters, Miss Marple in the semis and Poirot in the final.

After divorcing Britney for Christina, and swapping my Paul Gascoigne World Cup ’90 shirt for the Bobby Moore ’66 shirt, I decided to travel back in time in search of some new opponents. I went back to the year 0 and defeated Christ himself at the battle of Bethlehem. The fight was scheduled to a Friday, which was rather good, and It was a vicious KO that knocked him out and into a coma until Sunday, where he went back to where he first came. Victory was sweet, considering he had bought 12 mates with him.

After defeating the Roman Empire I took on Hulk Hogan and kicked his yellow-speedo-wearing ass. Victories over Giant Haystacks and Shirley Crabtree (easy, easy, easy fight) followed.

After Christina followed Pammy and then Jenna Jameson, before settling down with both the Olsen Twins, but not before finding a cure for cancer, solving the world famine crisis, winning the turner prize for putting my own sh*t in a can and also won the noble peace prize for eliminating all chavs from Gravesend, Chatham and Rochester!!!

Further victories over the Fantastic Four, the not-so Incredible Hulk, Batman (and his b*tch boy sidekick) and Superman followed and even the Bananaman fancied his chances giving it the large-one before running off. Dimwit, everyone knows his address….29 Accacia Road, so I popped around and gave him my own bunch of banana’s.

An then the next day……Kkkkerrrrbbaaaanngggg ‘Shit, did not see that Juggernaut’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

f*ck I'm bored, lets lose this subject.