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marlboro
Posted: 2007-01-12 06:53:17
Hi Mark,
I read your post on the main forum about quitting fighting. All the best for your future, you have put alot of work into youself and your life and Im sure you are in a place to find a direction that will make you happy.
I read a fantastic poem once but I cant remember the name of it. But one of the lines is "the person who appears the strongest is often the most fragile inside, the person who laughs the loudest is often the saddest inside, and the person who seems to need you the least will be the person who needs you the most, so open your eyes but dont look you need to see" People put up all kinds of barriers to hide their fragility, and the irony of it comes back to me when I know the barriers like need for control, or competitiveness,shit-stirring come up. I have more barriers than your average person and walk along in almost constant defensive mode, but I feel awareness if half the battle, and knowledge is freedom. I have looked to accademics for answers, and looked to criminals for their explanation of why they do what they do, and mentally ill people for why they feel what they feel, and am now heading towards more alternate explanations. Your thoughts on healing are fascinating because they come from someone else who is looking for answers. I have heard the mirror theory about disliking in others what you dislike in yourself, but have never heard if it worked in reverse. Do you admire in others the best qualities of yourself, or do you admire what you dont have?
My lack of trust for something that I cant pull apart or has a missing piece of the explanation is very telling, I dont know that I will ever get even close to fully healed even if I live to be 100 but I need to try. When I applied for my job at the gaol I had to give a full history and I was told I had more issues than most of the inmates, but in a way teaching others is the best way to learn, to teach someone else how to let go of past hurts and feel safe within themselves leads to your own introspection, as you will have found in your work too. I spent a week in the monostry and it was an experience I needed. I was hopeless at meditation and became frustrated and the abbot told me that you do not need to sit or lie to meditate, and I was trying to force my self to fit a "mould" of how I thought i "should" be. The thai monk showed me some traditional MT sequences and I shaddow-boxed up and down the temple, I told him about my satori/talking to god and he said that is meditation and you need to let it come like letting a wild animal approach you not try to force it or trap it or it will run away. Shaddow-boxing laps of the temple while the monks chanted ment I let go of conscious thought and satori came. It needs more practice but hopefully if I learn to drop the barriers for a moment and leave my self open to it I will be able to make it happen when I need it. Its ironic people put up all kinds of protective walls around themselves to prevent hurt and end up blocking the way for healing and happiness. One of the indian monks was fantastic he explained chakra, and said tight muscles are directly linked to defensively protecting yourself, a kind of constant fight or flight. We practiced some yoga, and he set up a floating log thing on the pond that I had to stand on. If I tensed it would sink but if I relaxed my muscles and allowed the water to flow and didnt fight it I would float. That was possibly the hardest thing I have had to do, step back and trust something to follow its path-not fight it. EGO and control are massive problems for me :) I think the thing that damages people the most is fighting who they truely are and need to be. It is strange to have someone say to you that you are not being what you are meant to be, because the world in general likes moulds and predictability. To be approached by a monk who says "why are you chanting it is wrong for you" when everyone else in the room is can be confronting. To lap a temple when everyone else is sitting, the feeling of being wrong and vulnerable and strange is overwhelming. I learned that I am a coward deep down and it is devastating. I needed to be told to do what felt right not what others did even in a place full of people who did not judge me and probably were focused inward not on what I was doing. I have applied for a couple of study grants and they have been pre-approved. I hope to go back to thailand and live near a monostry and study the psychological aspects and benefits of the way they live, meditate, and their value system. And get some training in too :) And learn about their natural medicines. The second grant is to study voodoo in Nth Africa and how the belief in the power of the witchdoctor impacts upon the people psychologically. I believe it may provide a springboard of sorts in explaining some forms of trauma response. When a person is cursed they believe they are helpless to fight it and their death occurs, similarly when a person has a traumatic experience that they cant stop or controll they learn they are helpless and create barriers to try to protect themselves and their percieved vulnerabilities and they carry it forever. Hardly the white picket fence and respectable office that was and is expected of me, but there was enough of a stink when I took-up MT because its not nice for educated girls and I should have passed that non-conformist stage and they're used to that now, so now they have recovered I can hit them with this one :) If they chuck a shit I'll tell them you put me up to it :) All the best with your new direction and seriously you should write a book, you have so much knowledge about things the average person doesnt know and needs to know before their bodies crash and burn like yours once did and mine has just done. I do believe what you have to say is worth hearing and it would be nice to know that others may oneday benefit from your journey.

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