If we start to pay attention and experience the consequences for our actions and be responsible for our choices I think we can quickly realize what direction we want to go, what we want to do and not do.

I don't think you need to beat yourself up about something to change or get results. The praise, punnishment model we got from our parents does a lot of damage in my opinion and experience with myself and with my clients. I have yet to work with a client in which we got into emotional areas, where this form of self punnishment (read self abuse) is benefitial. It, in my experience, is always damaging and promotes behavior that is self destructive.

Granted this concept goes against the norm programming. In my experience, it does a lot of deep deep damage and promotes shaming behavior and teaches reward and punnishment (shake a paw). Individuals praise or punish self based on "doing" and their whole life is based on seeking validation from action. Deep inside one of our biggest desires and human needs is to be accepted for "being"...not for shaking a paw.

side note - I used EFT with a cocaine addict on a craving at a rehab center. He was about to put too small shoes on his broken foot and go try to find a hit, which I don't think he had the money for either. In less than 5 min he didn't want it any more.

EFT works to balance the energy system. When balanced the body doesn't want stuff that is bad for it.

When I work with clients on guilt and judgment, especially the ones they have on themselves (programmed into them usually before 6 years old by parents). When we take away the guilt and pain and shame...the freedom they find leads to choices that promote life and health and love.

My experience is judgment comes from fear and fear causes pain and stress and fear creates more issues and problems. Love and accepting self leads to treating self in a healthier and more productive manner.

"I am good if I do or don't do this" I am worthwhile if I do or don't do that" There is a lot of pain on deeper levels in my experience from this type of thought process and belief system. The shame of having to perform to try to feel good about self and the shame of judgment about not acting good enough, according to the mother and father parts of our ego, does a lot of damage and also keeps the cycle of external validation going.

We look for it in sport, work, sex, relationships, children, hobbies etc etc etc and I believe it is like drinking a coke when thirsty. Might taste good now but it never quenches the thirst and it is a life long search that goes no where and causes more shame and pain. Judgment is fear based.

"All judgments reflect unmet needs."
"All external conflict is a reflection of internal conflict."

I believe both those to be true.

We are programmed that we are not good enough unless we fit into our value system and we project our value system onto others and shame them if they don't live up to ours. The truth is we never live up to ours and it is almost never ours to start with. It develops from our experience of our parents. We couldn't live up to it and feel bad and we spend the rest of our lives deflecting our inadequacies by shaming others for not living up to what we can't.

Show me a man who shames someone who has an addiction and I will show you a man with an addiction.

What is interesting is as we give up our addictions and or accept them, we no longer feel the need to shame others of theirs.

We are very addicted to emotions for example. We can be addicted to how we feel..anger, shame and lust... The body is use to making the peptides and we subconsciously act out behavior to create the situations.

"Humans are addicted to shame." - J. McMullin

In my experience with self and clients and my observation of the world. this is true.

I believe that anytime we shame someone else we are shaming self. Most of us do that many times a day and I am curious how many times I do it today. I am curious how many times I will notice.

We shame out of fear. We judge out of fear. We lie out of fear (worried what they'll think, feeling the shame of being responsible for someone elses emotions etc). As the fear starts to fade we have less of a need to do these things...

If I did not feel the shame of being responsible for someone elses emotions or of what they may think about me... what benefit would I have to lying?

Shaming someone for lying makes them feel a greater need to lie.

Classic example. I had a client who's dad asked her if she started having sex. She didn't want to answer out of fear. He told her it was ok and that she could say etc... she told him she was and then she got into trouble. Another client's Mum asked him how she looked ina dress. He told her and she got upset.

The thing is when they lie (any of us lie) we are shamed and told we are bad.
The thing is when we speak the truth we often get into trouble too.

truth is everyone lies.

My experience is lying comes from fear. A lot of that is fear of getting judged.

Fear creates the feeling that we need to lie. Its an ass backwards cirlce.

Of course we like to think I don't do that or as a parent I wouldn't.. I would imagine almost everyone can find experiences growing up where telling the truth hurt. Yet we judge so harshly when we are afraid and therefore lie. because the writing on our walls says judge judge judge.

Its interesting as we start to take away judgment, people don't feel as much of a need to lie to us. I can speak from personal experience in this one.

So our programming says lying is wrong and to judge people. I am not suggesting this is true or false. I am suggesting that experience shows this causes fear and promotes lying. I am suggesting this thinking ('right or wrong') causes pain and stress. I am suggesting that not judging causes LESS lying and is much more peaceful to all involved.

I think this applies to addictions and anything that can be judged.

"Love dissolves fear."

Addictions are largely routed and based in fears.

Judgment is based in fear and just like violence begets violence, I believe fear begets fear.