Married couple staying in a hotel but have single beds. Hubby says, "My little hunny bunch, im lonely woney". She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase. He says, "Oh did my little hunny bunny fall on her nosey wosey? Let me kissie wissie it all better". She climbs into his bed n they make passionate love. On the way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again, hubby says, "Clumsy cunt".

just got a new aftershave that smells like bread crumbs, the burds love it.

I feel like i have done 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.....

Perfectly fine!!!! lol

I don't like the fact that everyone gives Audley Harrison a hard time...


It's not like he has ever hurt anyone!

:-)

FB'Slim

From Frankie Boyle's new DVD;

Frankie notices a man in the front row with quite a heavy growth........

"Awright man, what's your story? It looks like you've covered your face in pritt stick, and went down on Susan Boyle!"

whats Kate Middleton and Will Carling got in common??

Theyve both had their fingers in Diana's ring.

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for shoplifting in a kitchen utensil store.

He thought it was whisk worth taking.

what do donkeys get for thier dinner at blackpool........


half hour like everyone else.

How do you get a fat bird into bed?



Piece of cake.

Little boy comes home from school one day and he runs in and up the stairs adn into teh bathroom.
There he sees his mum, stark naked!

"Mummy, whats that thing between your legs?" says the little boy

His mum, understandably quite embarrassed and taken aback says the first thing that comes into her head

"Ooh..erm... that's where daddy hit me with an axe"

And the little boy says

"Good shot.. He got you right in the cunt!!!"

Massive pmsl Hawk. I'm gonna nick that for my facebook.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 5 days to hoover the house.

Turns out she's a Slovak

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all sat around a table getting drunk,
They start talking about there kids. The Englishman says ,"My boy was born on St George's day and we called him George".

The Scotsman stands up and says "My wee bairn was born on St Andrews day and we called that wee lad Andrew".

At this point Paddy stands up in total amazement and says .... "Well blow me down, the same thing happend there with my boy Pancake !"

A guy takes his girlfriend home to meet his parents, but he tells her, "I must warn you they are both deaf and dumb".

They get there and walk into the living room. His mum has got a beer bottle stuffed up her fanny, and the dad is sitting there with his nuts hanging out and a match stick propping his eye open.

His girlfriend says, "What the hell is this all about ??"

He replies, "Oh its sign language ..... my mum is saying 'Get the beers in you cunt', and me dads saying 'Bollocks to that, Im watching the match' !

what do u call a nun in a wheelchair?
virgin mobile

The Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating a firework. So.....the Police have decided to charge one of them, and let the other off!!

premature ejaculaters anonymous meeting 2morro, town hall 8pm.
DONT COME 2 EARLY

My aunt Flo suffers from incontinence, so she thought she'd call up the Incontinencey Helpline for some support. She rings up;

Operator; "Hello"
Flo; "Is this the Incontinencey Helpline?"
Operator; "Yes it is my dear, where are your ringing from?"
Flo; "The waist down!"

whats worse than seeing an half eaten apple?...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................being raped

Soldier; Sounds like a Jimmy Carr gag LOL

I saw a one-legged man having difficulties at an ATM.
He was struggling to get a balance!

My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work.

If anything it made him more sluggish.

Thats ace Phil.... LMAO :)

i braked hard and hit the car in front, a cute blonde got out and shouted "ram it up my ARSE why dont you?"
this your honour is where the confusion began....

i braked hard and hit the car in front, a cute blonde got out and shouted "ram it up my ARSE why dont you?"
this your honour is where the confusion began....

Long but worth while

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a cunt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'cunt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a cunt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a cunt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover cunt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a cunt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called cunt #1.

"Hello?"

"You're a cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, cunt," and hung up.

Then I called cunt #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, cunt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

"Well, cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street , Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane and asks,
"Is he a guide dog ?"
"No, I'm a drugs officer, this is my sniffer dog, watch this." and says to the sniffer dog. "Search."
The sniffer doggoes off, comes back and puts 1 paw on the officers lap.
"Heroin", the guy says and makes a note of the passenger.
He sends the dog off again and on it's return it puts 2 paws on the officers lap.
"Coke", he replies, and sends the dog off once more.
The dog returns the third time and shits all over the floor.
"Whats that then ?" the man asks,
"He's found a fucking bomb"

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.
He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is back, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender asks, "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

A man walks into a pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms."I think I'll be needing all of these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I'm sure her sister and mother want me ...as wel...l." That night he sits down at the table with the 3 ladies. When the father comes in and sits down, the man immediately bows his head down low and begins saying grace. The praying goes on for 15 minutes, his head bowing lower all the time. The girlfriend leans over and says, "I didn't know you were religious." he replies, "I didn't know your dad was a fucking pharmacist!

My girlfreind finished with me last nite. She said a was to kinky in the bedroom.
i nearly choked on her piss when she told me

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand..."I've run over a pig and it's still alive under the tractor!"

"Shoot it!" says the farmer "and then bury him."

Farmer gets another call: "Done that, now what do you want me to do with his fucking speed camera?!"

hahaha there are some funny guys on here

ive got a 6ft3 girlfriend. apparently,she has a very small vagina cos everywhere we go, i hear men say "here comes that gorgeous bird wi the wee fanny"

man in hospital panics when he shits the bed.
he throws the sheets out o the window, they land on a drunk passer by,who fights furiously to get himself free of the foul sheets.
policeman approaches and asks the drunk what hes doing.
drunk replies "i think i just beat the shit out o a ghost!"

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

Saw a play last night about classic car restoration.

It was a complete Triumph

whats do you call winnie the poohs granny?....poohnanny

His v her diary

Her Diary:
> > ----------
> > Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
> >
> > We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping
> > with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I
> > was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
> >
> > Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
> > we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
> > wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was
> > upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
> > to worry about it.
> >
> > On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
> > driving.
> >
> > I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
> > too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
> > wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
> > watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence
> > all around us, I decided to go to bed.
> >
> > About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
> > caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his
> > thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what
> > to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
> >
> > My life is a disaster.
> >
> >
> > His Diary:
> > ----------
> > Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why, got a root though.

Can't believe the shops ran out of milk again. Thankfully my elderly neighbour has had loads piling up on her door step for weeks now I'll just use some of that

Two Camera Men Filming a Lion for a wildlife show
The lion Starts to move closer to them!! one of the other camera looks down at the other camera man who putting on his nike running trainers He says you will never out run a lion with those on , He replies who cares aslong as i can out run you
lmao :DD

An english man ,a scotsman an irishman ,a latvian a turk ,an aussie, a yank an egyptian, a jap, a mexican , a spaniard, a greek, a russian, a estonian, a german, an italian, a pole, a lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an isreali, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, a czech and a swiss went in to a pub . the landlord says 'i cant let you in without a thai'

I put a load in the dishwasher last night, but as usual she spat it out !!!!

Phew !!! I've just got back from the hospital after having a mole removed from my penis.
I wont be trying to shag one of them little f**kers again, I can tell you !!!

Paddy go's to the doctor with a sore back,Doctor asks how he got it ?? Paddy says havingsex oggy style!! Doctor says try having sex the normal way. Paddy says i did but the dog keeps licking my face :D

I just went to the hair dresser and asked for a Justin Beiber hair cut and they shaved all my pubes off!! :)

Al Qaeda are saying that Bin Laden was unfortunate to be killed. They don't normally take the bins out on a bank holiday weekend.

'69er' ......... disgusting, or a romantic meal for two ??

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.'
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.'
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
'SUPPLIES!!'

what you call a fat slag flying through space?

A meatywhore

As this is a joke thread, ive got plenty but afraid that some people may get offeneded. Can some 1 say its ok? lol.

How do you stop a welsh man from drowning?

.....take your foot off his head.

What do you call a welsh man in a fun fair??

A taffy apple.

mind you snowden is cool...lol.

What does a welsh man wear on a date..............velcro gloves and wellies

The wife came home steaming drunk last night. "Up for some role play action ?", she asked with a wink. "Not really", I said. "Oh, come on", she said ..."We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want". Walking over to her grinning, I noticed her expression change. She'd realised her mistake. However it was too late !! Where there had previously been arousal glinting in her eyes, there was now only blind terror, as I shouted "THIS IS SPARTA", headbutted her, and kicked her down the stairs !!!

Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes....Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....Sex on the telephone - Direct Line .... Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ... Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ... Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels .... Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

SPARTA I NEARLY CHOKED ON ME DRINK knobsy btw some cracking jokes there folks.

Now then,.. now then. . . pop pickers,. . this weeks non-mover is Jimmy Saville.

knock knock

Is it the Postman, Will Crombie ???? Talking of Postmen .......

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'

speaking about postmen , the ice cream man came down our street and he does any flavour, so me being a clever cunt asked him for a minge flavoured one, he served me one up but when I tasted it.."uurghh it tatse like shit" "try taking smaller licks" said the ice cream man

:-)

OK ...... so I'm an insomniac !! Looking on the bright side though, I've only 3 more sleeps until Christmas !!

By far the best engine in the world is the fanny . It pulls anything, starts with 1 finger, self lubricates , takes any size piston , then every 4 weeks does it's own oil change.... it's just a pity the management system is so fvcking temperamental !


My wife's told me she's not shaving at the moment. She calls it, "Keeping warm for the winter" ................ I call it, "Using your vibrator until spring" !!!.


The girlfriend bought me a lovely new Rolex watch for my 40th birthday .
"Do you like it?" she said. "It's great !" I said "It will remind me of your pussy" she laughed "Is that because it's exclusive and sexy?" I replied "Nah it's a bit loose round my wrist"

What key will open any door?

A pikey.

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache. "His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep. "The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Scientist's have discovered woman have the same DNA as shrimps. . .... Their heads are full of shit, but their pink bits taste lovely!

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically, "What the fucks the matter old timer, have you never done anything wild in your life??!?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f*cked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my Son.."

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young guy looked, the old man was staring. The young guy finally said sarcastically, "What the fucks the matter old timer, have you never done anything wild in your life??!?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and f*cked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my Son.."

This prisoner escapes after 15 years...
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute, he asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. So I told him where to find it.
Be strong, Darling. I love you, too.

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable . It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was ..... stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fucking trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Strongbow for the price of 2 !!!"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9070058/Tim-Vine-wins-joke-of-the-year-award.html

My wife was stood at the front door with her case and said "I'm leaving you because of your strange sexual requests"

I replied "That's fine, but could you slam the door on my cxxk as you leave?"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives are. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge!!." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time i think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

Paddy as just won £100 on who wants to be a millonaire. So Chris Tarrent asks him his £200 question "who was the great train robber? Was it A.Ronnie Barker B.Ronnie Wood C.Ronnie Biggs or D.Ronnie Corbbet Paddy replies "hmmm bit of a hard one this, I'll think l'll take the money" Chris Tarrent repiles "are u fuckin thick are what you have all three life lines remaining and u want to take the money"? Yes Chris says Paddy "I may be a bit fuckin thick but i aint no fucking grass" =D =D

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all in the jungle being persued by a tribe of savages. The savages are closing so they 3 friends decide to hide up trees. The savages reach the trees, and think they look suspicious. They shake the first tree, which contains the Englishman. "Caw, Caw," is heard from among the leaves. "Is parrot," the savages decide, and they move to the next tree, which contains the Scotsman, and shake it. An "eek, eek," is heard. "Is monkey," decide the savages. They shake the third tree, which contains the Irishman. All that is heard is a single "Mooooo"....

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off."

lol

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband,
"It is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people, too, you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here," replied the drunk,
"On the swing!"

I'm not saying the staff at ASDA are inept, but I've used the 'Self check-out' just twice, and been awarded 'Employee of the month' !!

2 mice one says to other come round corner al show ya me hole !!!!!!

In the gym last night I spoke to this bird. I said"have you tried skipping?" She said"what,like boxers do with a rope?" i said "No,meals you fat cunt!!!"

Here we are at the 100m Ladies final, and from left to right it's:

No, No, Yes, Maybe, from Behind, definitely not.

When I saw my ex yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn't believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together. Fucking miserable

With my girlfriend not believing in sex before marriage I decided it was time to pop the big question. "Can I shag your sister?"

A young women knocked at my door tonight looking for sperm donors. I gave her a right mouthful

After getting banned from the pub quiz, Im guessing the answer to "name something a child jumps up and down on" Wasn't Gary Glitter

.A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand. I took it back to her and we got chatting. After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her. Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper i asked her, Do u Shag everyone on a first date. She said no, Only those that catch my eye...

wife says to her husband after 20 years married.when i first meet you you told me you were going to f**k my brains out and suck my tits dry,she asks stood naked what do you think.husband replies"i think i did a good job"

UNCONFIRMED reports that after losing vs. Czech Rep yesterday, Greece have now applied to borrow 3 points from UEFA.

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans arsehole have in common?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you're going to lick it!

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood,he started shouting in the middle of the show"look, It's not the same hate!" or " Look,he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or " Hey, Why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. it was,after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific,the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found hinself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,as fate would have it...with the parrot.


They stared at each other with hatred,but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day.. And then 2 days. Then 3 days.. Finally on the 4th day the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...











"OK, I give up.Where's the fuckin ship?"

Well, I pulled a reight heavy duty munter last night !!
Fuck me .... she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip-pan, had more hands up her than Sooty, been set of fire and put out with a golf-shoe, she had a face that could make an onion cry, seen more Japs eyes than an oriental optician, a fanny like a yawning donkey, so ugly not even a sniper would take her out, seen more cock than Elmer Fudds shotgun ............
Still, a shags a shag !!